My family's journey down the road less traveled....

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Christmas Epiphany...

Ya'll know on most days I'm about as deep as a puddle,  so I had to pull out the serious scuba gear for this one.  Overall, it's been a shitty year.  There have been highlights, of course, but in a generalized sense, we're talking piles of crapola.

As many of you know, I lost my Dad last December.  It sent me into a massive downward spiral of depression and guilt.  Sad that I'd never hear his voice again.  Sad for all the things he'd miss.  Guilt that I didn't visit enough or tell him I loved him enough.  It's been rough going and I still get weepy when I am reminded of him but I'm managing.

As a double-whammy, I  lost my Mom this year too.  What makes this even more tragic than losing my Dad, is that she's still alive.  She made the choice to remove herself from my life and it breaks my heart.  I'll never understand the workings of her mind, nor do I wish to, but I hope one day that she does and is able to find her way back into my life.

This brings me to my epiphany.  I've been so down and stressed by life's crap that I've missed an entire year. A whole year has gone by and I've felt no joy, happiness or anything for that matter.  I've been numb and I decided I'm sick of feeling like crap.

I only have a few short years to have my kids under my roof so forging a great relationship with them is so important.  I want them to look back and have more positive than negative memories of their childhood.   I'm not delusional enough to think it's all gonna be rainbow farts and unicorn rides but it can be good.  Really good.  I want to be one of those people who make lemonade out of life's lemons.  Only mine will be spiked with vodka, of course!

Will I still get sad and stressed?  Hells yeah, but I'm done letting it rule my life.  I'm focusing on just the good baby!!  I get to watch my brother and sister-in-law's beautiful daughter grow up and I need to make sure she knows all about her crazy Grandpa Jim!!  My sister and I are getting along better than EVER!!  My kids are totally awesomesauce.  Mr. Awesome© rocks too. I'm doing well in school and will have a kick-ass new career soon.  Life is good.  I just forgot.